29 January 2010

It's been 3 months ago as one of my best friends died. 3 months, it seems like 3 years for me, it's so surreal!! Everytime I visit the cemetery I feel like to be out of place, I still can't believe it,  I think hardly anyone can if a beloved person has passed away, gone forever. It's incredibly hard to know I will never ever have the chance to talk to him again in this life, to touch him,watch him, hear his contagious laughter, gossip with him,  have fun, have future adventures and moments....
There is no manual which tells you how to behave when a best friend dies. Nobody tells you when it stops to hurt, when it's alright to laugh again without having a bad conscience,when it's time to move on, to get further, when it's time to go back to normal. Reality is knocking on your door way too harsh, it's not waiting! I still have his number in my phone, his e-mail address as if I could give him a call and say, hey whats up? Anything up to? Don't you wanna go out tonight?  I don't know when the time arrives to delete it, to let go. I still can't do it. Memories are all what remain after all. It's just kind of funny feeling that we are still alive and life goes on as if nothing happened.
But if there is any possible consolation in the tragedy of losing someone we love very much, it's the necessary hope that perhaps it was for the best. As bizarre  and hard as it sounds, maybe it was. He can rest in peace now.

Märch I miss you dearly, I'm sorry I couldn't care more about you! I've tried but maybe this was not good enough. And I know you're laughing your ass off somewhere there right now, I love you!

By the way Oli Sykes got the lyrics from the direct quotes from a suicide note written by Sergei Yesenin, a russian poet, who wrote the letter in his own blood.

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