I had a date for a walk, arrived and forgot my dog indeed. Don't know how this could happen.
Zero concentration. Frostbite. Ouch.
Oh and good news!

When I look around

I think this, this is good enough

and I try to laugh

at whatever life brings

cuz when I look down

I miss all the good stuff

and when I look up

I just trip over things

- Little Plastic Castle, As is

Yesterday night I got really touched by all the comments on the To Write Love On Her Arms page. It made me cry. I just lit the candle next to my friend's picture who died last year and looked around facebook as I got stuck on this one status. Over 500 comments and all people who shared their sorrow by losing someone mostly through suicide, this got under my skin and threw me back in my past. I collected some of the words on here because I think they're worth to remember.

 -this is the real shit ,they were here for a reason and they had a purpose, its sad that at times we only realize what their purpose was after they have already gone. If they only knew the impact they had on our lives , maybe things would be differnt, not necessairly better but definately different, his death is what made me promise i would never do the same. it destroys everyone around you. it sucks.
-If you're losing yourself hold on, you should be inspired that you've come so far
-and the pain is still just as strong
-life is beautiful if you allow yourself to enjoy it
-It almost seems like the longer someone is gone, the more people forget. Thanks for giving us all reminders.
- needed to hear this today too. I lost my brother in October and it feels as though everyone else in the world has moved on with their lives while I'm still stuck on that day.
-I'm losing myself too. If you feel like you are losing yourself and who you are, there is help. I am in that situation and I don't feel like I need a knife anymore. This group has helped and so has observations of the hurt it puts on people.
-What a wonderful thought! I lost my son and it warms my heart to know that his story matters.
-the joy of his life will forever outweigh the pain of his death.
- I came close to losing myself. Which is no longer hard to admit. Yes i have self harmed amongst other things. But i see now that this world is a beautiful place to live in....if you can see the true beauty. You just have to look past all the Bullsh*t. No one ever said life was going to be easy. Treat it as a challenge. See each day as a success. Don't use your body as a canvas....use your memories and your future to paint your masterpiece. And for those of you who have lost someone...they are never truly lost for they have never truly left. A memory is all you need for that person to survive. Remember their smell, their voice, their smile, their embrace or the way they made you laugh. They can never be replaced. But love is the move ment. And love is the healer.
- I have been to the darkest places imaginable and was hi en a second chance when I tried to take my own life. I will always struggle and always, always miss him. But I have joy in my life and a purpose though I may not know it."We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for."
- I was so touched by this, as I am by every comment here. My response is echoed by everyone else's; Thank you for this. I needed it, and it meant a lot to me. I feel an amazing connection to everyone here, and I love the spirit of this organization and everyone involved.
- its very hard to cope with it feels like a whole in ur heart yes u can make urself busy but when i put my head down to sleep is when reality hit
- remember the stars
- we should try our best to make it better for every one

Yep. I used to have red hair like her. I remember now. Always dark brown in winter and in summer intensive red. But this was looooong time agoooo. Last time somebody confronted me with that. Black? Where did you leave your red hair? This is why one of my nicknames at school times was Rotkäppchen, Red Riding Hood.

I wish.

Thomas D - Wish (Komm Zurück) - MyVideo

-15°C. In the middle of march. That's NOT normal. Unbearable biting cold. I feel like an icicle in Siberia.
Anyway yesterday evening we were eating supermassive pancakes in a pancake house. Wow. Neither had nor seen such big jumbos. Yummy! Funny company.
Arrived at home after 1 month. Mum's birthday.
I was supposed to win that money. I knew the number right from the beginning. Never could get through and just today I wasn't able to listen to the radio. Damn it!!! When something seems unfair to me, I sometimes could set the whole world on fire, but hey....

Spaghetti for breakfast. Inhaling sage leaves.
I don't understand. It was pretty much spring. All snow was gone and it became to get warmer. One night and everything changed. There is so much snow outside again, a horrible view. At least the sun came out a bit, cold as hell though.

Drunken Dreams

Oh man, great night, great party, great people! Aga's bday singstar party. I had so much fun. Definitely too much of Beverly Hills cocktails. The strongest they had, knocked me out and landed sleeping in the bar. Can't remember much though. I apparently was that drunk, tried to eat a vanilla pod ,confused the joystick with the microphone and while singing into the joystick wondered why it isn't working but nevertheless still continued. Must have been such a great picture for the others ;) and if Anni hadn't cross my way coincidentally as I tried to walk home by my own  without phone, money and orientation but ran in circles around munich without realizing what I'm doing, I probably would have frozen to death outside as spring turned to deep snowy winter overnight.
No really, had such a blast! Yeehaaaa! Missed my girls!

Hi, back from Berlin. First time I took the ICE in my life. Yeah it's true.
I laugh at myself because life is really too short to take it too serious. I love to laugh. I try to laugh at my worries, my insecurities and my anxeties to make them lighter. I laugh when I irritated or confused, I laugh when it's not allowed, I laugh in awkward and embarrasing moments, obviously I laugh at funny and pleasant things the most. Of course I do cry as well because sometimes there is nothing to laugh about. But I simply enjoy laughing hell of a lot more. Sometimes I laugh in order not to cry. Laughing is healthy. Join me :)
Uploaded 18 Beatles albums today. Must have pretty much all songs by now. Hehe.
Can't wait for tomorrow!


Scars on Broadway- They Say

Scars On Broadway | MySpace Music Videos

You think you have to want
more than you need
until you have it all you won't be free

When you want more than you have
you think you need
and when you think more than you want
your thoughts begin to bleed

there's those thinking more or less less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?

society, have mercy on me
I hope you're not angry if I disagree
society, crazy indeed
I hope you're not lonely without me

Cinema for free, lots of laughing, nice feeling the grassy ground again after months, waterlogged.

Music is as old as human beings. Everything moves and everything moves to a rhythm. And everything that moves to a rhythm creates sound. At this moment, the same thing is happening everywhere in the world. Our ancestors noticed the same thing when they tried to escape from the cold into caves: things moved and made noise. The first human beings may have been frightened by this at first but tha fear was soon replaced by a sense of awe: they understood that this was the way in which some Superior being was communicating with them. In the hope of reciprocating that communication, they started imitating the sounds and movements around them and thus dance and music were born.
And those ancestors, who travelled from cave to cave couldn't carry many things but modern archaeology shows that, as well as the little they might have with them in the way of food, there was always a musical instrument in their baggage, usually a drum. Music isn't just something that comforts us, it goes beyond that, it's an ideology.

And i've learned some things today what I've already known.

-All that it takes for the world to remain in harmony is for each being to follow the laws of nature.
-The romanticism of youth demands that we always take very radical stances.
-Faith is not desire. Faith is Will. Desires are things that need to be satisfied, whereas Will is a force. Will changes the space around us. But for that, you also need Desire.

Death from human garbage. The undigested stomache contents show whereof the bird died. Tonnes of plastic waste is being disposed of ships into the sea and the birds think it's something to eat. Terrifying, perverse, sick.

                      Where does one begin and the other end?

            and isn't it funny how the world fits in one single dew drop?

Everytime interesting how I appear to others. It's suprising, sometimes they tell you things you didn't know. Today I was told I have an infectious laugh, that I sparkle and appear to be happy.  It's nice to get compliments, every one likes it. You feel appreciated. I try to give many compliments, I think we do it too rarely. I'm not really used to them though. People rather tend to critize and make others feel bad to feel better in return, they project their frustations on you. I mean try to find your own mistakes first and not only in others, then we can talk again.

I'm really glad about my positive appearance but do I really radiate so much happiness? That people think  I'm carefree and well-protected because I'm not. That they get big eyes when I tell them the story of my life? And they realise my world isn't that okay I apparently seem to show? It's maybe because I don't see a point in bothering my whole environment, they might start to bother me and it's none of their business, if I got a problem I try to sort it out, ask my friend's advice or suffer in silence, I don't wreak my ill humor or rather my problems on others. That's unfair.

Everyone has its cross to bear. Some less, some more. Everyone has its good and bad days. The magic is to make the really bestest of the day, that's what I do. To fully enjoy and to cherish the happy moments. To shine even when clouds darken it, you call it weather!

One thing leads to another

The reason for this song today is written in a letter.

Valentine's Day, urgh. I don't give much attention to it, another invented commercial consumption thingy and maybe it wasn't that bad if I haven't spent every Valentine's Day all alone but hey.
Here is probably the best band I can imagine for this day:


Bullet For My Valentine - Hands Of Blood
Hochgeladen von thunderking85. - Musikvideos, Sänger Interviews, Konzerte und mehr.

Anyway I'm positive because today started the year of the tiger!  It's one of the animals of the chinese zodiac and I'm a tiger through and through, a fire tiger to be exact. This only happens every 12 years, so yeah!
I've done some researches and I've been so amazed how many things run in with me. Sometimes it's hard to describe yourself in words and there it was in black and white. I was like, oh yes, yesyesyes, exactly, right, that's me that's me, ahhh yeah, wow true all the time. Even at the risk that nobody would ever read it to the end, I had to put it all up on here.

The Tiger is said to be lucky vivid, lively and engaging. Another attribute of the Tiger is his incredible bravery, evidenced in his willingness to engage in battle or his undying courage.  But the Chinese say a Tiger having a Tiger in the house is the very best protection against the evils of fire, burglary.

Tigers do not find worth in power or money. They will be completely honest about how they feel and expect the same of you. On the other hand, they seek approval from peers and family. Generally, because of their charming personalities Tigers are well liked. Often, failing at a given task or being unproductive in his personal or professional life can cause a Tiger to experience a depression. Criticism from loved ones can also generate this type of Tiger reaction. Still, like all felines, Tigers always land on their feet, ready for their next act in life, pursuing it with unyielding energy and hunting it infallibly.

Tigers are protecting those they love. Tigers are unpredictable and it would be unwise to underestimate their reactions. They may appear cool, but they have the Big Cat's instincts to pounce at a moment's warning. Natural leaders, they have a strong sense of their own dignity. Tigers are intelligent, alert, and farsighted. They have their fingers on the pulse. Good strategists and tacticians, they often have a hidden agenda. As long as they do not risk their luck too often, and keep their restless nature under control, their tactics usually pay off in life.

Tiger people are difficult to resist, for they are magnetic characters and their natural air of authority confers a certain prestige on them. They are tempestuous yet calm, warm-hearted yet fearsome, courageous in the face of danger yet yielding and soft in mysterious, unexpected places.


Eccentric and dramatic, Fire Tigers are aglow with passion and verve. They are outgoing, expressive and look on the bright side of things. They have the Tiger’s natural ability to lead others and are able to excite others simply with their own gift of enthusiasm. They can be funny and have great senses of humor. Tigers are powerful speakers and have the ability to command and persuade crowds through speech. Their own seemingly endless supply of energy can make them appear a bit dramatic, and it may make them more sensitive to cautious or down-to-earth approaches in others.

Tigers tackle everything in their lives in brief bursts of energy, collapsing afterwards in a heap of exhaustion. Normally they are soon back to full strength, but their approach can cause their long-term health to suffer. They should take it a little easier and learn to pace themselves to keep active longer and to prevent early burnout. They are blessed with flexibility and recover quickly from illness or pain. They owe it to themselves to relax a little. Along with the fitness of their long-term health, Tigers must be aware of how they react to and are affected by the consequences of their tempers. A Tiger’s meanest enemy is the damage he can inflict upon himself in the midst of a temper tantrum.

Tigers take pride in being different than others and generally illustrate their originality best in their homes. Tigers can utilize their atmosphere with color and light. A Tiger’s home will be filled with exotic treasures from trips past and will include items such as Tibetan prayer mats or African carvings, confirming their desire to travel to distant places.

A quickness and an alert intelligence make Tigers fast learners. Tigers need a challenge. Add this to them being easily bored and it explains why Tigers tend to change careers more often than other Chinese Animals. Some Tigers don’t change their occupations frequently enough and thus tend to juggle jobs all at the same time. Most Tigers are natural born leaders who perform best knowing they are working towards positions of power and influence.

Tigers depend on luck. They like to spend money, and also to share it.  Somehow, as luck would have it, they discover the end of the rainbow just before complete bankruptcy. They are willing to lose a fortune in their lifetime, if it means they will wind up with two.

Tigers like to live on the edge, to travel long distances conquering thrills and fears along the way. Never the homebody, Tigers prefer activity and excitement to relaxing days by the ocean reading a good book. They leave on a whim and return when they are ready to plan their next vacation. Action-filled getaways are sure to get a Tiger away for a long time!

Tigers have the ability to lift the spirits of even the most depressed or lonesome individual they meet. Because of that attitude, Tigers have no problem making new friends. Actually, a Tiger person without a friend is quite miserable and sad.

As friends, Tigers are exceptionally warm and incredibly generous with their time, attention and money. Friends are always welcome in a Tiger’s home and will most often be greeted with a cup of coffee, an ear, a tissue, an open mind and an open wallet. Few friends could be as caring and affectionate, as quirky and surprising, or as genuinely interested as the Tiger.

Feeling pinned down to one decision or one destination is a Tiger’s nightmare. These people are generous and brave as well as deeply passionate people.They don’t like contradiction.
They yearn to see new places and to meet new people in their travels. They are quirky.
 Tigers have a great appetite for life and thrust themselves into everyday of their lives. They are mostly extroverts who enjoy being out and about in strange places. They also like to be spontaneous and often jump to conclusions before weighing the consequences.
A Tiger expects the respect he believes he deserves.
Some Tigers ignore the rules and regulations of society and choose instead to focus on matters of the heart. They tend to forget about the emotions involved in these matters, which causes them to seem harder and less sensitive. And they can be pretty picky when it comes to choosing a partner.

Fire Tiger. Fire is yang in character, its motion is upward and its energy is expansive. It is associated with the planet Mars, summer, south, daylight and heat and the color red. It also stands for the heart, tongue, and pulse. Its negative emotion is hate, while its positive emotion is joy. The Primal Spirit of fire is represented by the Red Pheasant or Phoenix.

In Chinese thought Fire is associated with the qualities of dynamism, strength and persistence; however, it is also connected to restlessness. The fire element provides warmth, enthusiasm and creativity, however an excess of it can bring aggression, impatience and impulsive behavior. In the same way, fire provides heat and warmth, however an excess can also burn. In the conquest cycle, fire overcomes metal, and in turn is overcome by water. In the birth and nurturing cycle, fire burns to earth, and is sparked by wood igniting.

Generally speaking, people born in the Year of the Tiger are fond of playing, and full of enthusiasm and sentiment. Some are mercurial. They can laugh happily one moment, and cry the next. They will be optimistic, but at the next they will lose their heart totally and are given to deep thinking.

 They enjoy life full of challenges and unexpected events, like visiting unusual places and meet interesting outstanding people. Other people in their part are easily attracted by the tiger's enthusiasm and the course of life. Tiger person finds a pleasure in unpredictable, and while other people would rather make a backward step, they are not afraid to explore new and unusual. But it is not that simple to interest the tiger. What they really need is first-hand experience. Usually open and frank, these people are likely to withdraw and you can be aggressive when trapped. As soon as the tiger person has regained its sense of security its confidence also returns, enabling him to set out once more. These people usually tend to trust their instincts, though there is another side of their personality, which assesses situations thoughtfully before launch any actions. Their friends usually secretly admire their determination and optimism, though sometimes may find it complicated to share the tiger's enthusiasm and can be pushed away and left behind.

Because of the fact that people born in this year are urgent creatures they usually choose to operate alone. Tigers like to work; they are hard-working and dynamic by nature. If you assign a task to a Tiger, the job will be undertaken and accomplished with enthusiasm and efficiency. Determination and initiative are their strong points. While some projects may succeed because tiger has the drive to see them through to the end, the other will be left in a half - way because of the tiger's inability to deal well with failure. Tiger person becomes flustered when colleagues discover that they have misjudged situation.

People born in the year of the tiger are often sensitive and emotional. They are capable of great love, but they may also become too intense about it. Tiger type of people are often attracted by people with an independent character.

                                  
                                  show without showing
                              what you know without knowing


Habanera (Bizet's Carmen) : Love's a bird wild as any rebel

Love is a rebellious bird
that nobody can tame,
Love is a gypsy's child,
it has never, ever, known a law;

The bird you thought you had caught
beat its wings and flew away ...
love stays away, you wait and wait;
when least expected, there it is!

All around you, swift, so swift,
it comes, it goes, and then returns ...
you think you hold it fast, it flees
you think you're free, it holds you fast.

Love! Love! Love! Love!

2 days, 3 cities, 12 hours train drive. Tired but happy. Yes I'm not only chaotic, I'm even pretty very good at organzising and managing things well expect of my room I guess. I have a certain feeling for it, believe it or not. And I usually have a good orientation of directions and a good memory of places and numbers which I only realised few years ago as I've started to trust myself hell of a more. Yesterday has been my sister's 28 th, I've visited her in Augsburg, it was short but lovely. In the night then I was lying on the inflatable matress with my paranoia T-Shirt and felt positively alive.
Today I went to munich for my second tattoo session, OH MY GOD. I adore it. I need more, more, more, more, more, more, more!...and fast!
Hugo, my one-armed guest tattooist from Brazil wasn't there, so this time Chippi did it, a kick ass tattooer, one of the bests around!

As I woke up today my mum's boyfriend pressed me a parcel in my hand I've never expected!!! SUCH a freaking nice surprise, my friend Anni sent me 3 entire Cd's I've once mentioned I wanna have! This simply made my day. Thank you again at this place :) Listening non stop, in full blast of course.
We chose our life, we make decisions every day. And it's about our decisions how our future will look like. There are no good or bad decisions. It's only essential that we change every decision into a right one.
If I really want something I sacrifice very much to get it. I wouldn't stop at nothing but I do things other people wouldn't ever try or take. It's only important to keep your self esteem in anything you do. And if I tell you or promise something, you can be sure I'll do it. No matter how long it takes. I walk my talk. That's why I don't dally with promises.This wouldn't be fair.

Oh no I had so much ideas for a text today and now sitting here and starring at the screen, I must have lost it somewhere on the way to the computer, damn. Alright, I will walk back and try to remember. Failed. That means I have to come up with something new, something different. The only thing I know I haven't smile today. Not once.
Stop, I remembered one thing in the meantime I showered my legs to life again. " The beat goes on" a calendar for dead musicians!!! Yes, I got this perfect present last year from Kreiterhex Anna in person and might get myself a new one for this year. I know I'm bit late but it's still 2010 right?

This is how it looks like and I'm telling you it's super cool! Even though it's a serious topic, it makes you grin very often, especially the statistics are some kind of amusing. Everyday it says when, where, how and why a musician died. There is always "the death of the week" with very interesting facts about the actual artist! It's drop-dead, I love it. Oh and when I die, I want to have 'the beat goes on' written on my gravestone.

Hundred thousands say:
One person can do nothing anyway

Today's streets were one nasty surface of ice. I've been literally skating with the car. But I've also been to the cinema and watched Avatar. A stunning dreamworld, easy to fall in love with, sigh. And yes. I did it. I gave it another shot, I've shifted my room and this time I like it. Very much. It only needs some complements and then it's finished.

I've spent most of the day sleeping. The bad weather makes me do this. I can't help it!

Another sunday afternoon. Well yesterday night was sweet, someway I've ended up in the same location as last saturday. It's nice to meet old friends everywhere you go and to see they happy to see you too! Shortly before that I nearly had a car accident, the white monster's fault! He is still present and mean and so are the snowy streets but I've managed to come back to the road somehow, a short big shock and I've really frightened my poor friend, dont you ever do this again Eva, you're nuts! As I made a big mistake and braked very hard to catch the junction to the left I've almost missed and then yeah lost control of the car for some seconds. I was only laughing afterwards which I always do in critical or awkward situations. Hey we were lucky and I'm aware of my guardian angels!

It's been 3 months ago as one of my best friends died. 3 months, it seems like 3 years for me, it's so surreal!! Everytime I visit the cemetery I feel like to be out of place, I still can't believe it,  I think hardly anyone can if a beloved person has passed away, gone forever. It's incredibly hard to know I will never ever have the chance to talk to him again in this life, to touch him,watch him, hear his contagious laughter, gossip with him,  have fun, have future adventures and moments....
There is no manual which tells you how to behave when a best friend dies. Nobody tells you when it stops to hurt, when it's alright to laugh again without having a bad conscience,when it's time to move on, to get further, when it's time to go back to normal. Reality is knocking on your door way too harsh, it's not waiting! I still have his number in my phone, his e-mail address as if I could give him a call and say, hey whats up? Anything up to? Don't you wanna go out tonight?  I don't know when the time arrives to delete it, to let go. I still can't do it. Memories are all what remain after all. It's just kind of funny feeling that we are still alive and life goes on as if nothing happened.
But if there is any possible consolation in the tragedy of losing someone we love very much, it's the necessary hope that perhaps it was for the best. As bizarre  and hard as it sounds, maybe it was. He can rest in peace now.

Märch I miss you dearly, I'm sorry I couldn't care more about you! I've tried but maybe this was not good enough. And I know you're laughing your ass off somewhere there right now, I love you!



By the way Oli Sykes got the lyrics from the direct quotes from a suicide note written by Sergei Yesenin, a russian poet, who wrote the letter in his own blood.

Yes I do swear a lot, not trying to be cool though , some people think they are the more they swear and trying to show off. It's how I handle my emotions I guess and probably it's because germans do it all the time, it's a normal thing as we are allowed to swear even on TV as much as we want! To be honest I don't even realise it most of the time. I'm just doing it. And swearing in bavarian is simply the funniest shit!
I hit upon this book again and I thought I need to leave this on here:

" We will never ever know the ultimate reason for our existence. We might know the how, where and when of being here, but the why will always be a question that remains unasnwered. Right now, while we're here eating, 99 % of the people on this planet are, in their own way, struggling with that very question. Why are we here? Many think they've found the answer in religion or in materialism. Others despair and spend their lives and their money trying to grasp the meaning of it all. A few let the question go unanswered and live for the moment, regardless of the results or the consequences.
Only the brave are aware that the only possible answer to the question is I DON'T KNOW. This might, at first, seem frightening, leaving us terribly vulnerable in our dealings with the world, with the things of the world and with our own sense of our existence. Once we've got over that initial fear, however, we gradually become accustomed to the only possible solution: to follow our dreams. Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing that we trust.
So what's the point of looking for answer then?
We don't look for answer, we accept, and then life becomes much more intense, much more brilliant, because we understand that each minute, each step that we take, has a meaning that goes far beyond us as individuals. We realise that somewhere in time and space this question does have an  answer. We realise that there is a reason for us being her. We plunge into the dark night knowing that there is always someone to guide us, and whether we accept it or not is entirely up to us.
But how will I know who my Soulmate is?
By taking risks, by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion but never ceasing in your search for love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

I suppose this is one of the sickest song I've ever heard! They are fucking psychos, bloody good ones.

Dare to err and to dream. Deep meaning often lies in childish plays. [ Friedrich Schiller]

Urghhhhh. Snow doesn't want to stop! I've been freezing my ass off outside. And the white is actually blinding me, GO AWAY!
There is nothing I hate and despise more than ignorance, arrogance, intolerance and fascism. Four complete unnecessary and stupid features and yet they exist. Some people out there seem to be infected. Pathetic and sad!!

A view from the afternoon, the best song and best video ever by Arctic Monkeys and their first too I think. It's off the hook!

I must have been 8 or 9 years old, primary school. This quite famous children's book writer should come and visit our class. Therefore we prepared lots of stuff, some of us were drawing or crafting something pretty and the others were reenacting a play of his book to perform it for him. A huge event and excitement for kids at this age of course! Right. I was in the drama group, sure thing, and wanted to show my abilities as an actress so badly. But there was one thing missing, a director who manages the whole bunch. Unexpected all kids and even my teacher decided without asking me ,just like that, I should do the job. I wasn't keen at all. Democracy sucked suddenly. I felt like getting a raw deal because I was sure nobody would appreciate my part of work if nobody could see me performing . There were those two groups and I was, however, "only" the director, kind of misfit. How unfair! I was very sad about the situation but did my job thoroughly without showing my hurt little heart :) anyway the author arrived, everybody was doing its part and I was the only one who didn't have a chance to impress the writer as I was just sitting there watching. I felt awful. And then this big surprise came. Afterwards he signed autographs and asked out of a sudden who actually was responsible for the awesome play he just saw. And this was me! In front of everybody he thanked me and  honoured my work by writing the most and kindest words in my book. This was my reward. This made me feel special. I got the most attention of the author. I was highly proud and happy.

Why I'm telling this story is because it's a nice example how it works sometimes. How life works. And sometimes it's better to suffer in silence than shouting it from the housetops.

This song awakes old memories in me.

I have no idea what's happening. At the start on this blog I had far too much to say , so I tried to keep it "short" and suddenly I have way to little to tell. Hm. Just a phase I hope!
Anyway it was only friday and its already monday morning now. Don't ask me where the time went? Saturday evening was pretty cool and funny, catching up on night life in my old home district, sober though, didn't mind. Met loads of old friends. I still had my clumsy lapses, an old school mate I haven't seen for about 7 years I had to spill his full drink over us both at the first moment we met, my cellphone which was 100 % in my bag, was found somewhere on the floor by a stranger asking me if the two pieces of a phone belonging to me and oh well old stories as slipping and stuff. Good that I still can laugh about myself that much.

This is a photograph I found in my new sick and epic book 1000 Tattoos by Henk Schiffmacher Laura gave me as a birthday present from denmark. And this lady is Artoria Gibbons. She was 14 years old as she decided to leave home and met this guy called Red Gibbons, a tattoo artist working at a carneval slideshow. He told her the show didn't have a tattoo lady yet and asked her if she would like to be one, she could join the show and see the world. And so she did. Fascinating sight this woman! Very aesthatical I perceive. What if I....The most bewildering thing for me is that this was happening in the early 20s!! I wonder why some people are still shocked about tattoos and very down on this nowadays.

Oh man, I was walking across the street this afternoon and there was this car driving past me, then driving suspiciously slower, turned around and went on full tilt towards me! bah! I thought this guy is insane, suddenly he stopped besides me as I nearly jumped into the ditch, openend the window and who do I see? An old friend of mine haha! I couldnt believe it's him as it's not his area at all, so I laughed, what the hell are you doing here?! It was funny to meet him this way as I haven't seen him for about 1 year but was just talking about him 2 days ago! He asked me if I were on holidays and I said eerrrm no, hehe I'm actually looking for a job and afterwards I'll be studying in Bristol. So he just shook his head and said 'Eva the globetrotter sure whatelse' :)
Whatever my weekend is busy now.
And there is this massive playground I discovered new and so I rocked the swing obviously and had the fun of my day.

While waiting for a 2 am night call I'm gonna write something down.
Today I needed a sudden change. I felt like suffocating in my own four walls. So I spend all day to totally reorganise my room and turned my furniture upside down only to see I don't feel good about any new position and put everything back exactly as it was before at the end of the day!!  Wow what a progress.....

And here are few good advices I try to follow:

Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Never be ashamed, accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted, some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one.
 Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it.
Love as much as possible, scream, laugh and cry as much as you want.
Do as little harm to others as you can; make any sacrifice for your true friend and grab all the fun you can. Don't give much thought to yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow, live in the moment, and trust that your existence has meaning even when the world seems to be all blind chance and chaos. When life lands a hammer blow in your face, do your best to respond to the hammer as if it had been a cream pie. Sometimes black humor is the only kind we can summon, but even dark laughter can sustain.

That is a very nice acoustic version of this song. Good night!

What shall I say? It's great having friends. It's a big gift I never would take for granted. I very care for friendships cause friendship isn't a big thing, it's a million little things. True friends make you feel good about yourself and expect nothing in return. They stick with you and help you out when you're in a fix. I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Friends make life good and a lot more fun!

Here is a small section of this brilliant Beatles musical movie called Across the Universe I'm so in love with! Dedicated to all my crazy buggers :)

I feel pretty happy today. Ambling Alp by Yeasayer made my day. I immediately fell in love with this song. It  fills my heart with joy! It causes spring fever inside me. I really can't wait for summer.

 I like to make others happy. Makes me happy too. I had this lovely walk with my dog around the lake through the forest, it led me to the little  boat bridge and the fantastic view over the misty white lake, the lights of this small town and the sunset behind it. Gosh, I wish I could have caught this stunning moment. I need a camera! A proper one. It's still real winter though, even my hair got all frozen and white. And I laughed at Laura as it happened to her! I also realized that all my messages I've texted during the last few days never arrived. Shit, was wondering why nobody wasn't answering.

Now the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their complement of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride!

FUCK YES!

 I'm so stoked about this video and how the song makes a perfect match, I had to put it up. I hope mister Ben doesn't mind :)


Mutiny Bikes - The Lost Mystical from Mutiny Bikes on Vimeo.

I love poppies. I love the flowers, I love the word, I love the colour. A  bright strong red. I have no idea why. I don't think I like them just because it serves for making Opium, do I ? Maybe it's the contrast to the green or to the sky. What I definitely know is I so wish to lie in a field of wild poppies right now, to smell the scent, to touch the warm ground, the endless blue sky above me and the yellow sun tickling my nose. Ohhh would that be lovely!!

Back to concerts. Yes, if  a really good band's playing I try anything. I don't care. If I'm skint and thats what I am most of the time, I'll find a way even if I have to lend some money from my friends, I usually spend my last penny on a gig, I don't mind having no food for the next 5 days, walking with my perforated chucks through high snow till my toes dying off or waiting for hours for the next public transport. It's my passion, it makes me happy to see people like me enjoying good music together and be part of it. A sense of togetherness I belong to for one night.

That's why you need to set priorities in your life and weigh up what's really important to you. I know what is for me.
Sometimes you have to put up with a lot if you wanna achieve something.  I have to. And still not afraid to give up. Several are. That's why they stop or don't even start. I'm not saying I'm not scared. I am. That one who is not afraid, doesn't have courage either. If you're afraid you jump out the window. The brave feels frightened but doesnt let him scare away. In life you need to show some courage, to take some risks to get further. Courage pictures the ways shorter. Don't cut down on things only through fear. Fear disappears and regret stays forever! So what are you still waiting for?
Do it, go! Life's too short to be normal.

Make yourself

The little things are the things that make your day, the things that really count. A smile from a pretty stranger, a flower from a handicapped person, a compliment, a received credit, a handsome gesture, a nice surprise, a funny moment, a hug, a kiss, a thankful face and all sorts of small things which make you feel better, happy and smile.

After writing this I found this poem:

It's the little things that lasts
the little things that impacts the most
genuiness, a kind heart and gentle spirit
easily detected and greatly respected
an uplifting speech
a desire to teach
a helping hand
someone who understands
the little things
love
compassion
humility
or gentle touch
your contribution to such effort
means so much.

written by David J. Hudson

This is a band called Jerx and there is a funny story behind it. They added me randomly on myspace, I got in touch with them and asked about one of their remixes I like so much. They gave me the name of the guy who produced the song and I contacted him. Then it turned out he plays in a band as well which poster I've stolen from a gig. haha as I realised that I was like ahh you know what I think I've got your poster at home and he said, what?! no way! now I know why our posters always disappear mysteriously :)

P.S.: Jerx were so laughing as I told them euphoric I bought their new album for less than 1 euro at ebay! the limited edition with pick and posters of course!

Right. Mister Winter you're a pretty cool guy but it's going too far if I can't open my window without all the snow falling down  from the roof  straight into my bed!!! Please stop that! I would very much appreciate to have air in my room but not having to sleep in snow! Got me?

Here is a german song again but this one is so good I've translated it for you. Obviously it sounds better in german cause it doesn't rhyme in english anymore. And I've translated it within half an hour, so I can't guarantee for the correctness of the text :)

Resistance

Today is such a lovely day, stand up and fight again,
We and Babylon at war until we a gon sleep at night again
The only way to live up bright again is to lift up your voices now!

I’m for love, I’m for those who love to live,
I’m for those who give love even when if it’s hard in life
I’m for those who first experience then think then pass
Instead of talking and only telling to show off
I’m for those who display weakness that we see
And understand that the real wise men see greatness in showing weakness
I’m for those who confront us with ourselves
I’m for those who keep their promise and for those who bite when they bark
I’m for people who sit chained to tracks
Rebelling instead of watching what happens and eating quietly
I’m for neighbours who help, picnic in the park,
For love, peace and harmony, of course I’m for peace in Iraq
I’m for CD’s for less money at Media Markt
That everyone can afford what I say and not only a doc
I’m for more jobs, more workstations, more positions, more labour markets
I’m for everything which makes hope and creates strength every day

[Chorus]

I’m against being against everything but I’m against some things I know
Because some things aren’t necessary
I’m against genetically manipulated vegetables and against pig
I'm against that one think you must be complicated to seem being smart
I’m against being fool, I’m against being nice to some people
Who think they ought to be disrespectful
I’m against bosses they think only to be the chief
You have to be nasty and to kick and shout at the staff
I’m against politics which are constructed to control us
I communicate by composing controversial verses
Come with me and see the world as it is now
Cause I’m against every single fascist who pollutes us with his poison
I’m against animal testing, I’m against cloning of human life.
I’m against that that at this time still millions live in Quonset huts
And man I’m against giving up, I’m against watching when human life perish

[Chorus]

I don’t care what you dig in one year
As long as you’ve got what you need and do what you think everything’s right,
I don’t care how much you know and which master your teacher was
Which emperor your ruler is if you know who you are
I don’t care how much experiences you have if you only stand and don’t move anything and you don’t gain experiences at all, I don’t care how much you party and drink if it’s well cared of the children the next day, no problem
And I don’t care how much criticism I receive, for some tracks cause others say they love the songs,
I don’t care how off- hook you are, just fly away
Cause if you come too close to the sun then you will come back by yourself
Otherwise your wings melt down in a snap
I don’t care how much you lie I just listen to you
Cause some day you get caught up in your own rope
Then it doesn’t matter how much you scream you break your own neck

[Chorus]

Curse feat. Gentleman - Widerstand
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I cant stand people who's entire purpose in life apparently is that they have to moan about everything. It's bad when it snows, it's bad when the sun shines. It's bad when the earth spins. It's bad when it doesn't. It's bad when you're late, it's bad when you're early. It's bad when you laugh, it's bad when you don't. ARGHH!! Sure there are moments when you're pissed off or when something bothers you. But not all the time, all your life! Those people are always upset, they seem not to enjoy anything.The best thing about it is funnily enough that those same are the first to save their own bacon when it matters. Although they purport to hate life. Strange, isn't it?
I'm just tired to listen to all the bullshit, I think some of them adopt all the negativity from the media. Catastrophes, crime, bad bad news as far as they eye can reach! Of course you mustn't blink a fact, in no case! You should be active and not only complaining. But it shouldn't control you!
                                        

By the way we infact live in a media overloaded, consumer, dog -eat -dog and money society. I'm as much involved as you. But is isn't that bad if you listen to this little advice:

Live with your century but do not be its creature!!

Jennifer Rostock: Kopf Oder Zahl
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Today was a nice day. Even though it's chaos on the streets. A fucking nightmare! I really really hate to drive on snow covered streets you can't even tell apart from the fields, you slide around like wild and have to try  not to cause an accident constantly. It's just a bad feeling. And drive 15 miles  only to hear from my friend he must have been wrong about the way and return. haha. But we went sledding. That's the main point!
Nice talking with an old punk friend in a mountain pub and drinking jagatea.

  

  

My way, indefinable. unpredictable. erratic. odd. My future straight. uncertain. heart-stopping. My past unforgettable. My life black and white. I think it's time for Paulo Coelho. I  totally find myself in his texts.

A warrior of light is never predictable.He might dance down the street on his way to work, gaze into the eyes of a complete stranger and speak of love at first sight, or else defend an apparently absurd idea. Warriors of light allow themselves days like these. He is not afraid to weep over ancient sorrows or to feel joy at new discoveries. When he feels that the moment has arrived, he drops everything and goes off on some long-dreamed-of adventure. When he realises that he can do no more, he abandons the fight, but never blames himself for having committed a few unexpected acts of folly. A warrior does not spend his days trying to play the role that others have chosen for him.

The warrior of light does not worry that, to others, his behaviour might seem quite mad. He talks out loud to himself when he is alone. Someone told him that this is the best way of communicating with the angels, and so he takes a chance and tries to make contact. At first, he finds this very difficult. He thinks that he has nothing to say, that he will just repeat the same meaningless twaddle.Even so, the warrior persists. He spends all day talking to his heart. He says things with which he does not agree, he talks utter nonsense. One day, he notices a change in his voice. He realises that he is acting as a channel for some higher wisdom. The warrior may seem mad, but this is just a disguise.

The moment that he begins to walk along it, the warrior of light recognises the Path. Each stone, each bend cries welcome to him. He identifies with the mountains and the streams, he sees something of his own soul in the plants and the animals and the birds of the field. Then he allows his Personal Legend to guide him towards the tasks that life has reserved for him. On some nights, he has nowhere to sleep, on others, he suffers from insomnia. 'That's just how it is,' thinks the warrior. 'I was the one who chose to walk this path.' In these words lies all his power: he chose the path along which he is walking and so has no complaints.

Warriors of light always keep a certain gleam in their eyes.They are of this world, they are part of the lives of other people and they set out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. They are often cowardly. They do not always make the right decisions. They suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. They frequently deem themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle. They are not always quite sure what they are doing here. They spend many sleepless nights, believing that their lives have no meaning. That is why they are warriors of light. Because they make mistakes. Because they ask themselves questions. Because they are looking for a reason - and are sure to find it.

                      
          There is no rainbow without rain

I try to stay cool. I try to keep my composure. There's nothing else I can do right now than trust and be above such things. With my head held high. Even if I might have lost this battle today. "Do not be ashamed to make a temporary withdrawal from the field if you see that your enemy is stronger than you; it is not winning or losing a single battle that matters, but how the war ends."  Maybe I just take the whole thing too serious, so I smile.

Can a name affect a person's life? Are we characterized by our names? Or are we just affected by our genes? Maybe we are only the final products of  our education, the social environement and the influence of others? What about our mind? Is it really free? Fact is at the end of the day only you decide who you wanna be and what you do with it. I'm myself, authentic to everyone and anyone. To all my actions. Who are you?

A bird in a cage. Isn't it ridiculous and ironic to lock up a bird which is meant to fly? The symbol of freedom? Damn It is!

I approximately listen 10 hours daily to music.
Here are the 2 songs of my day.
MIRROR by Post Offense and KILL THE RHYTHM by Gallows.

I wish I was in Cape Town RIGHT NOW. To work in a hyper record shop with ultra cool people. To walk with mega sunglasses fluffy through the Long Street. To surf again. To be damn tanned. To enjoy rocking Tableview with his fresh teenage breeze and feel unlimited. To meet up with friends at the Blouberg beach with an after work beer and watch the unique sunset. To lose your mind in the beauty of the view. To smell the tingly youth. To get a lift on the back of a buggy, feel the freedom of the wind on your skin and beam with happiness. To see wild animals free. To make a braai wherever you want, every day and look at the Milky Way. To eat Koeksister, Biltong and Milktard. To go to Spur and pretend it's your birthday again only to get a song and an ice cream for free. The only thing I don't miss is Trance haha. Sorry guys!

                                     

No kidding! I would leave the country today without hesitation. If there wasn't the unpayable flight.

This is Johnny Neon, some south african weirdos ;) I  LOVE  this video. They only got two, so here we go.

Dogtown and Z-Boys. Amazing story about the birth of extreme! I wish I had a skateboard....
But I'm even too clumsy for snowboarding or skiing, years ago they had to stop the ski lift which was miles long, only because of me! TWICE. Because I ended up driving against a wall and landed in between. I'm still embarrassed about that. Since then never again :P so here's the question,  me?! skateboarding?!?!?! Well let's see, won't be boring though when I try it.

Yaaaaaaay Laura my sweetness visited me today. Cigarettes, beer, silly talks, making fun of each other. Time was passing by so quickly! We had so much to talk about. Goddamn it was nice! AND there's nothing like exchanging Gbs of music. I Love it. Good day! Even though I cut myself  3 times today. Miss her already....

Just by the way, it might be a good idea to put the car keys in first and then trying to drive :) big laugh!

                                                

Throwing snowballs out my roof window at people and hiding, it's fun. Driving a car when it's icy and slidding isn't though! It does good talking with a best friend. Gives me some kind of security. Even in the last sleaziest pub we could find. It's all right as long as you can smoke in there.

I couldn't sleep a wink since 6 am. So I had no choice but to  listen to Prodigy. Loud. The neighbours will thank me.
Age. Age it's just a number. You are as old as you feel. I'm definitely young at heart. Most losing it the older they get. It's their choice not mine.

Ahhhhh I'm nuts about concerts. I'm a maniac at that score! I do really enjoy freaking out to music. Makes me feel alive, makes me happy, makes me free, makes me forget, makes me everything.

THE END

Hey this morning, well or should I say this afternoon, as I woke up I had to think about this sentence and the story about it.
                          

     
              " True love. True pain. True life."

It's a quote of  'Kahlschlag', one of my fave movies. Well this was in the early morning of 1. January 200 , fuck can't remember, 2008? Anyway, I was explaining the story of the movie to my friends, adding my personal opinion. And as I reached to the sentence, I banged my fist very firmly to every word on the table . Apparently everything way too loud cause suddenly  a whole bunch of people I've never seen in my life before were standing up in this cafe full of other guests and applauding me!!!!!! ME! Saying they're impressed with my words and  surprised by my wisdom and maturity at my very young age. I was just sitting there with big amazed eyes, embarrassed,  laughing, shaking my head with my green hair at that time and couldn't believe what just happenend!! This made me pretty proud somehow. A priceless experience. A fucking nice one. Crazy. Thank you so much for this gesture strangers! I won't ever forget it.

 "Which was so hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again,
 into, under, far in between, through it, in it, over and above it"
                                  (Gia Marie Carangi)

I was looking for a picture today and decided to take this one. Thought it's well shocking and provoking.

This morning I was still cross with life, with love, with hope, my feelings, my thoughts and my heart.

So what is love all about? I believe in love. Yes, even I. The fool. Especially I. Especially now. Hope dies last. Desires are too strong. If it only wouldn't hurt so much. Fact is the heart's a mysterious thing.  Mine anyway, it always jumps around like mad. Rampampampam pampam pam bang bang boom! And even more so my emotions, they are like wild horses and they demand to be heard. Sometimes you have to set them free and let them run. Love is some kind of magic, a nuclear power which can lead you to your self- actualisation or to your destruction. Love is likewise the most destructive and most constructive power in the world. Nice prospects!

 I can't tell you what it is but I can't give up on love. With all my crushing experiences. And sometimes I think one thing and do another. Sometimes it seems to be wrong. Than I think about the clock. Cause nothing in the world is ever completely wrong, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. What I wanna say is, everything happens for a reason. I really hope. No I believe. Only if you believe in miracles, they will happen.

Why?

I'm fed up with being choice number two, taking the back seat and ending up lonely as always. I'm fed up with being a fifth wheel over and over again in my life. and putting a good face on the matter. 
 I REFUSE!  I wanna be loved, I wanna be happy too. And for a change I wouldn't mind to have a chance to choose and try my luck I've already found in you. 
This is exactly how I feel today. Every single word. So I won't use my own.

Foo Fighters - Best of you
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